


Bad Days

by kroas_adtam



Category: All Time Low (Band)
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, M/M, One Shot, Sad, Suicide Attempt Mention, idk im really sad these days, im sorry, self harm mention, the list is my own personal list
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-12
Updated: 2017-10-12
Packaged: 2019-01-16 12:20:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,211
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12342597
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kroas_adtam/pseuds/kroas_adtam
Summary: Alex has bad days.Rian tries to understand.





	Bad Days

Alex’s hands shook as they hovered over the keyboard. He stared at the blank Word document that was shining white on his face in the dark of his and his boyfriend’s bedroom. Rian wouldn’t be home for a few more hours, and Alex was having one of his bad days.

One of his _awful_ days.

He had woken up that morning when Rian left for the gym and for band practice. Rian had asked Alex if he was feeling any better, Alex had said no. Rian instantly didn’t want to leave, but Alex said he should continue his day as normal, and that he’d see him when he’d get home. With a mumble of ‘I love yous,’ promises of checkup phone calls, and some sleepy morning kisses, Alex watched his drummer boyfriend leave before curling into himself, burying himself under blankets, and starting to cry.

He didn’t know why he was crying, he didn’t know why he was having a bad day.

This had been his normal for a few months now. His good days rare, his normal days just… numb. And his bad days were terrifying.

It was a few hours before he had calmed down, he turned on their TV, turning on Friends and letting it fill the silence of their bedroom. He pulled his laptop to him and looked around the room, his nose stinging and tears burning at his eyes. The room was a mess, he was usually neater than this… Rian must be miserable with him.

He thought about getting up, putting away the strewn about items, but the sheer thought exhausted him. He slumped against the pillows and sighed, opening his laptop, wondering how band practice was going. He hoped Jack and Zack would understand. Rian did his best to understand, always willing to put Alex first.

Always willing to inconvenience himself for Alex.

And all Alex could do was lie in bed, sleep and cry. He wanted to explain himself to Rian, he wanted to tell him why he was this way.

But every time he tried, he’d start crying and his boyfriend would fret over him. So maybe… Maybe a letter would help.

But writing a letter scared him. In his mind, he could remember on the worst of his worst days, on the day Rian had found him in the bathroom, he had another letter written. It was handwritten, shaky, nearly illegible.

He started typing, trying to focus on the words and not the world crumbling around him.

‘My Depression’ he paused typing, tracing the lines of the rose tattooed on the back of his hand. He hoped he could make through this without it turning into a different kind of letter, without ending up in another panic attack for Rian to walk in on.

He took a breath and continued.

‘My depression is not movie cute.  
My depression is not something fixed with a kiss and a warm cup of tea.  
My depression doesn’t leave me quietly crying on the couch in oversized clothes and a dog in my lap.  
My depression is ugly.  
My depression is painful.  
My depression is a monster.  
My depression is not eating because I’m too tired to do dishes and can’t stand to inconvenience those I live with.  
My depression is not doing laundry until I physically run out of clothes.  
My depression is not being able to put away my laundry because I’m exhausted from just moving it from the dryer to my bed.  
My depression chains me to my bed, no matter the condition it’s in.  
My depression makes my limbs heavy and throat tight.  
My depression keeps me from showering regularly because standing for that long is too much to handle most days.  
My depression is a red raw wound. It wakes me up in the middle of the night to rip into my chest. Into my arms. Into my legs.  
My depression is nails dug into my skin, sharpie doodled over me, trying to keep me from doing anything worse.  
My depression is overthinking. Telling me everything is wrong, telling me everyone hates me, no one wants me around.  
My depression is not leaving my room because I don’t want to bother my roommates.  
My depression is listening to the same 20 songs over and over and over again.  
My depression is sleeping when I don’t absolutely have to be working.  
My depression is ugly crying at 3am over nothing. Over everything.  
My depression is an expiration date.  
My depression is driving 700 miles to end my life only to come back home to too many people keeping tabs on me.  
My depression is wanting to be alone. But not being left alone.  
My depression is painful.  
My depression is a monster.’

Tears dripped on to the keyboard as he pulled his hands away. He was shaking, his throat hurt, and his chest felt tight. He wanted Rian to come home. He glanced at his cellphone but didn’t reach for it, he wouldn’t dare take Rian away from the band, it was the most important thing. Despite how many times Rian had told him _no, you are the most important thing._

He hit ctrl+p and heard the wireless printer turn on in their office room next door. He closed his laptop and looked at his hands. He wanted Rian to come home. He slumped down and pulled the heavy weighted blanket over him. Rian had bought it for him to help with his anxiety when he wasn’t around. His boyfriend loved him, and cared for him as much as he could through the low days. It was more than Alex could ask for, it was more than Alex felt he deserved. He watched the TV screen, not really seeing it, the soft relief of sleep taking over his exhausted mind an hour or so later. But sleep can only heal a tired body, not a tired soul.

“Alex?” Rian walked into the room an hour later, seeing his boyfriend safely asleep under the heavy blanket and sighed a bit in relief. He looked around their messy room and picked up some of the clothes, tossing them into a pile for him to wash later. He kicked off his shoes and climbed into the bed, setting Alex’s laptop onto the nightstand, clambering under the covers and lying an arm over his sleeping boyfriend.

“I wish I knew what was going on in that beautiful head of yours, baby. I wish I knew how to help.”

“Rian?” Alex mumbled, shuffling closer to his warmth.

“I’m here, love.” He whispered quietly, letting Alex curl into his chest. He expect Alex to start crying like he did when he woke up these days, but Alex just pressed himself closer, burrowing his face into Rian’s shirt. He smelt like sweat, cologne, and the earth after it rains. Alex’s hands rested on his boyfriend’s sides. Rian could tell he was shaking, and pulled the heavy blanket more securely over them.

“Baby, It’s alright, go back to sleep.” He whispered, carding a hand through Alex’s greasy hair. Maybe he could convince his exhausted boyfriend to take a bath with him later. Alex’s hands gripped Rian’s shirt, he was still trembling, but Rian couldn’t tell if he was crying or not.

“I… I wrote you a letter…” Alex choked on the last words, his throat squeezing tight as he felt the urge to cry overwhelm him again.

“You did?” Rian soothed, gently, lovingly, calmingly sweeping his hand up and down Alex’s back. Alex nodded against his chest.

“It’s in the office, I-I couldn’t get up to get it—” He started, his voice hitching up an octave, Rian could hear the unneeded apology making its way out of Alex’s anxious mind, so he kissed his mussy brown hair, and hugged him close.

“That’s okay, baby. Is it alright if I go get it?” Alex nodded and Rian slipped out of his grip. The cold had barely touched Alex’s skin when Rian was back, holding the piece of paper in his hand, he climbed back into the bed, sitting on his legs crossed, letting Alex rest his head on his thigh. “I’m going to read it, okay?”

“O-okay…” Alex shut his eyes, his eyebrows furrowing in pain and Rian could see the tears escaping. He ran his fingers through Alex’s hair, trying to comfort him while he read what he wrote for him. Half way through, Rian was crying too, his hands shaking as he continued down the list. Alex cried more, feeling like shit for making his boyfriend cry. Rian finished what Alex had written, finally feeling he had some idea of what was hurting his singer so badly. He set down the paper and lied down, pulling Alex to his chest, crying into his hair. Alex pressed his face into Rian’s neck, gripping his shirt so hard he was sure he’d rip it.

“I’m so sorry, Lexi, I’m so sorry…” he sobbed, his muscular arms, keeping Alex close never wanting to let him go.

“I’m the one who’s sorry… I’m so useless and I made you cry, I just—“ Rian shushed him, kissing anywhere he could reach without letting Alex go.

“You are not useless, you are my Alex, and I wouldn’t cry for you if I didn’t love you. I love you so much, Al, I hate that I didn’t know how much pain you live with each day…” He snuffled, his fingertips pressing a bit harder into Alex’s shoulders. It didn’t hurt, it made Alex feel grounded. Secure. He started crying, his hot tears wetting Rian’s neck and shirt, but the drummer didn’t care.

“I just… wanted to be able to tell you why I am the way I am…” Alex managed to say between painful sobs. Rian held him, pressing his lips anywhere, trying to bring Alex back down, but not expecting him to stop any time soon.

He didn’t know what time it was when he finally stopped crying. Rian’s shirt was soaked in his tears, drool and snot. Rian didn’t seem to care. He laid against his boyfriend’s shoulder, his eyes so heavy, so painful to open. He was dehydrated now, his head throbbing to prove that point. His stomach hurt too, it had been almost two days since he had eaten. He curled against Rian’s chest, the drummer still rubbing his back. Rian had stopped crying, but was refusing to leave Alex alone.

“Lexi, would it be okay if we took a bath? You don’t have to move, I’ll do everything for you.” He asked, thinking maybe hot bath water would help soothe him just a little. Alex nodded, closing his eyes as Rian moved out from under him.

Fifteen minutes later, Alex was enveloped in hot water, leaning against his boyfriend’s chest. The steam of the bath smelled of lavender and lemons. Rian was running his hands over Alex’s arms. He traced the lines of the rose on his boyfriend’s hand, sighed, kissing his shoulder. This wasn’t a sensual moment, this was a moment to bring Alex out of the fog. Alex always seemed calmer when they were touching, like Rian was a lightning rod, and Alex was a stab of electricity desperate to find a way to be grounded. Alex rested his head back against Rian’s shoulder and closed his eyes, his body felt weak in the hot water. Everything felt tired.

He was so tired.

Rian could feel Alex drifting off to sleep in the tub, he didn’t mind. He would stay in there for hours, keeping the water hot, until they turned into shriveled prunes if it meant Alex could feel a little better. He felt his throat tighten a bit, seeing the long jagged scar that now marred and ruined Alex’s once colorful tattoo on his arm. He hated that day, it was the worst day of his life. The only lucky thing about that day is Alex had missed by half an inch. He pressed his face into Alex’s hair, wrapping his arms around the sleeping singer’s shoulders.

 _I will do everything to keep you okay, Alex._ He thought, lightly dripping some water on Alex’s head to wet his hair without waking him back up. But Alex was awake, his eyes stayed closed, his body so sore, too heavy to move and wash his own hair. He stayed still while Rian tended to him. The fog broke as he took a slow steady breath, the feeling of Rian’s fingers at his scalp, the movement of Rian’s chest under his back, it was the distraction Alex needed. It kept the monsters at bay, allowing Alex to just focus on the feeling of being with someone who genuinely loved him. Loved him enough to bathe him when he was too drained to do it himself.

“I love you, Alex.” Rian sighed softly, now rinsing out the shampoo with handfuls of water. “You may not be perfect, but you are the most important thing to me. I will do everything to keep you okay.”

Alex felt the tears start, but from the warmth he finally felt in his heart.

It’d be a long, painful road,

But with Rian and his friends with him,

Maybe…

Maybe someday he’d be okay.

**Author's Note:**

> the list is my own personal list
> 
> i havent been okay for months
> 
> i dont know what im doing anymore


End file.
